spookss | Entries tagged with life

Welp I can positively say I was very clouded by depression in my last post, and had been for quite a while. And well, maybe I still am a bit now, but I think things are slowly getting just a bit better in my mind. I still have some very concrete problems with how I function in my day-to-day life, many improvements to make; working out, getting out of bed and to class, staying on top of work, being able to be alone and productive by myself without doomscrolling. All these things have been weighing me down, but I'm slowly escaping the bad habits, and I'm not sure why but I just feel like things are going to get better soon.

Me and him have been dating for about half a month now. I'm really happy its official now and not just a will they wont they situation. The day we got together I got incredibly anxious and scared the following night, i was overwhelmed and I couldn't even tell why. Im thinking now it was mostly because of e. I was unknowingly following into the same cycle i had with e with him, and to me the end of situation ship meant the end of friendship up until this point, and i guess it just brought up some unconscious learned fear. Once i realized that and talked with basically all of my friends i felt so much better, and im genuinely so happy with our relationship right now. There were other real worries i had, especially with regard to my emotional needs, but i got myself to talk to him about it, and he's been so understanding and sweet. I feel so lucky because he's the sweetest boy ive ever met in my life, not that ive met many but ive heard horror stories from my friends and of course have a few of my own.

He's helped me directly a lot, but i notice our relationship has helped me in ways he doesnt even know. Its been almost a month since I, and the other reason i havent is because of him. he doesnt know at all, and i dont plan on telling him, which i feel a little guilty about, I trust him to know but i just dont think anything good would come from him knowing. It would cause more harm than it already has, and if i dont do it again then it shouldnt be an issue (lets hope LOL). Anyway thats a pretty big deal, and it just makes me question how viable it is for me to be on my own. Which, of course, leads to the conclusion that it is not viable at all for me to be on my own lol. Ive very much turned into an inverted people person, which ive found to be both a blessing and a curse. blurse. anyway thats about all i have the energy for, i cant be bothered to recap all the things that happened between the many gaps in my entries, its for me after all and no one else.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Pat - Good Morning

So a lot of stuff has happened since my last entry with substance (the one before last)... I need to get back into my writing habit, i can keep up with it consistently for like a month before i drop it again T_T. Anyways first things first, I finally quit my job!! They tried to move me to the front to be a cashier without telling me, so i put it my two weeks and said I couldnt work on weekends so they said you can just go ahead and go. I literally feel like im a bird thats been let out of a cage, I HATED MY JOB. I still need money for the summer though, so my grandparents are letting me work for them taking care of their garden and their flowers (which is super fun btw) and I got a lot of graduation money. oh yeah i graduated too, so thats cool.

Honestly graduation was really boring... im an online student so while i had friends there i didnt really know a lot of people, so the speeches and stuff about going to high-school just didnt resonate with me much. id comfortably say my high school experience has been unique, shit even my middle school experience was pretty weird. but anyways after graduation i hung out with my friends, and then hung out with them again the next day cause lee had a grad party. It was overall fun and im glad to be done with high school, its time for my last free summer baby!! OH and prom went well, i had a ton of fun.

I finished my tie blanket, and i finished this book ive been reading on and off for awhile. im still lacking in the hobby department (of course) but i have been coping with lifes general crapiness by hanging out with my friends. I went to Las Vegas with Lee and we went to omegamart and holy carp i loved it so much. i literally spent all of my vacation money at omegamart.... all of it. we had vip passes (GOD BLESS YOU LEES MOM) and so we got to complete the entire story line and did this scavenger hunt and got a pin and bracelet you can only get by completing the scavenger hunt. we did other stuff there too but omegamart was def my fav part.

Ive been hanging out with a friend everyday for like... more than a week. its insane, but ive been having problems with my family again so ive been trying to get out of the house badly. but we've been doing lots of stuff and its been super fun, lots of swimming and such. im actually having my birthday party this saturday, though my birthday is actually the 3rd this is just the only time i could get all of my friends together. its weird, being so old. anyways this has been in my drafts for almost 2 weeks so recap OVER.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Down For - Kitty Craft

So i have prom tomorrow (technically today... i should really be sleeping) and while i think itll be fun and everyone will have a good time, ive got some worries. For some context me and my friend Lee have known each other for a long ass time. weve been besties since elementary basically, and while i love her so much, i do have some beef with her that i havent gotten to talk about. the thing is even though i have beef, i can still be friends with her and hang with her, cause we rarely hang out nowadays and im js trying to enjoy my time with her until she goes to college in Colorado. this cannot be said for my other friend titus though. Me and titus have been friends for like 2 years now? something like that, but we have gotten really super close over these past few months. and i love titus but when bro gets upset its hard for them to crawl away from that feeling, especially when they're upset at someone specific, and titus definitely has some beef with lee.

They both have their faults, lee can be a jerk and so can titus, and that would be fine if they could actually TALK to each other about this stuff. Titus grew up in an environment where they NEEDED to be loud and out there to be heard, but lee crumbles and gets extremely upset when someone BARELY raises their voice at her. titus needs to talk more calmly and lee needs to be able to handle volume without crashing. I relate to lee though, i used to be that way with my dad, but its to a point where you literally cant talk to her (no matter the volume of your voice) because she will just be upset. But this shit sucks to be in the middle of, i hang out with titus a lot and titus will complain a lot about lee, and to some extent i get it but literally ALL of their issues would be solved if bro was able to talk to her.

anyways prom is tomorrow and lee will be there (me and titus are going together cause we dont have partners) and she asked if we wanted to hangout after prom at her house (with three other people we know too). and idk,, titus has been having a hard time lately and i worry that something is gonna lead to an argument. im really hoping not PLEASE just let us have fun, but damn its a bit worrying

ill post a more documentative writing soon,, i havent rlly had much motivation.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Officer - Slightly Stupid

A little while ago i found a website that talked about Wiccan traditions and being a witch and ive been thinking about it every so often. The website was really detailed and answered a lot of good questions, i think i spent an hour or two reading through it and still didnt cover probably half the info. Im not a very religious person, ive never had any good experiences with religion. my grandma was catholic and when i lived with her i would always go to church on sundays and do other church stuff. the message never really spoke to me, and the services were long and boring, but i cant deny the church was beautiful and so were the hymns. the rest of my family is christian, and to be honest most christian services just feel like washed down versions of catholic services. anyways church was always boring to me as a kid, and the idea of god never really piqued my interest so i was never religious. but the wiccan website kinda just got me thinking about religion again. i cant remember my thoughts exactly but i was thinking about why so many people want a god. and it kinda clicked that one big appeal is that its just easy. its easy to have a god to put things onto. why decide what is right or wrong, why question why things are the way they are, people hate being confused and so having god is an easy give-all solution. obviously thats not the only appeal of god, but i thought about myself and wanting things to be easier in life. its hard to articulate myself on this, my mind cant formulate what im thinking into readable sentences, but i swear i have complex thoughts on the subject T_T.

my life has been filled with too much negativity recently. ive had a lot of shitty things happen, but im also doing a real shitty job at moving past those things and letting them be. thinking back on this last week the only things i have to talk about are being sick and hating work, because thats basically all my life is right now. being sick has made me really realize how i do almost nothing with myself. usually when im not sick i have my friends to go hang out with and distract myself, but ive been trapped at home so i dont have distractions anymore. the solution is, as it usually is, HOBBIES. i need to do things that are fulfilling, things that take effort (even if very minimal). im gonna try and push myself now, to do things i enjoy and to think more. im still struggling to just think, to be creative and alive, so i need to pursue my hobbies so i can oil my brain and get it functioning again. i need to write and to draw and to discover, and to CREATE. i have people who will support me and engage with me even, i just need to start doing it. i drew in my notebook today, and im kinda finally feeling happy with what im doing. this week i wanna focus on drawing and reading, and maybe start my tie blanket.

INSPIRATION FIND ME, FREE ME FROM MY CURSE.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Fine - Lemon Demon

I dunno what is up with me but i cannot stop being ill. i was sick last weekend and im starting to get pretty sick again now. not really sure what im sick with exactly, but im coughing up a storm and my legs ache like hell. also im always either too hot or too cold, so maybe its the flu. being sick is pretty lame, but whats even more lame is WORK. ive been complaining about my work a lot to friends and my dad, and i dont like complaining too much cause it just brings more hate into the world and makes me feel sad, so this is the last time im gonna talk about this situation for awhile.

on sundays im the only 'decorator' there from 7am until either 10 or 12 (i work at a grocery store bakery). its been that was since i started, which is incredibly stupid by the way cause i havent TOUCHED cakes at all and only do backups- so i cant write on cakes for customers SO I SHOULDNT BE ALONE? i called off last sunday because of sickness, so its up to my managers to take care of stocking the decorator portion of the store (which takes like, an hour max, so not a big deal). I have beef with one of my managers, we'll just call her v, and i know shes the one who ends up having to take care of the work that i usually do. i feel maybe a bit evil, but the thought of her having to cover for me brings me joy.

to be blunt i really dislike v. she is lazy, selfish, and probably really insecure. most days its 'our' job to stock the main floor and when i say our i mean mostly mine because i do almost everything. she will make a list of things we need for the floor and give me like 75-80% of it, and then take way longer than i do to actually finish stocking. she comes in late EVERY DAY without fail, gives me half of her work (and then complains about having to stall until she gets off), and is honestly nice to everyone except for me? ill be talking to her and its like im not even an actual person to her, she talks about what she want to talk about and thats it, if i try to change topics it goes right back to what she was saying. and it sucks cause everyone else there likes her because shes worked at this store for a long time, and she has respect for everyone but me. she very clearly doesnt respect me at all. i dont expect everyone to care about me, but she could at least have the decency to treat me like a real person.

ANYWAYS this is relevant because i had to call off again today because im sick again. i called and told her i was sick and that i thought it was the flu or something. but then she told me i needed to bring in a doctors note? girl.... what?? if it was a company thing i would understand but im 90% sure its not because ive never needed a doctors note when calling off other then when i was gone for a month because of my appendix. i didnt confront her about it and just asked where i was even supposed to get a doctors note and she told me to go to ER. GIRL IM NOT DOIN ALLAT. that would be such a waste of time when i feel like ITS NOT NEEDED. esp if this isint a company thing and is just her speculating that im not sick (which wouldnt surprise me).. but like.... i came in yesterday and was coughing all day and obviously sounding like shit? i dont know man, ive called in sick multiple times before when i worked at the front of the store and i never had to get a doctors note.

this long ass rant doesnt even cover half of my problems with my job, every day i go in i get more fed up with the place. BUT it will be okay because i wont have to work there for much longer, so im trying to care less about it cause its not gonna matter to me in like a few months so whats even the point. other then work and sick stuff i havent had too too much going on. ive been playing project zomboid with my pookie which has been really fun, we heart coming up with lore for our characters :) im also really behind in school but its ok cause i have plenty of time to catch up and plan on working on it today and tommorrow. oh and i also got some fabric to make one of those tie blankets that dont require any sewing, so that'll be fun when i get to it. for now its time to lock the fawk in and get some school done T_T

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Super Bon Bon - Soul Coughing

the come back is happening, very slowly, but its still happening. im doing okay with thinking and just- doing stuff. im still not as far as id like to be, and i hardly have any energy, but its a start and that good enough for now. im still really stuggling with just being bored, when im with friends im completely fine, but when im alone nothing seems to keep me entertained... again i need to get into my real hobbies again, no games are calling to me because i play them all by myself, and doom scrolling isint a hobby lol.

i played mario party with a few friends ago yesterday, i DEMOLISHED them of course. you have to travel around a map (like a board game, think sorry) and collect coins and stars, the person with the most stars wins. i ended the game with SIX stars and everyone else had 2 or 3. im always super fucking goated when it comes to mario party and i honestly have no clue why. im decent at the minigames, but that barely even matters as most of your stuff is luck related with moving around the board. i guess i just have hella good luck when it comes to star placement and movement rolls but DAMN. after that we got food and also some snacks, i had a lot of fun and i cant wait til we all hang out again :).

tomorrow is the start of my next working period, so i work saturday-tuesday, and im not looking foward to it of course. im honestly just tired of my job, i only really reallly like being around 2 of the 7 people who work there and they underpay the shit out of me for what i do. im doing like 3 different jobs and i absolutely do not get paid for that. also just.. the way they run things is so awful for the workers and the company ITSELF is awful. most days arent horrible perse, but its rare that i feel like i actually have a good day let alone a great one. theres also the fear that ill see him there, im still so super anxious about that. logically i know i prolly wont ever see him there, even if he lives right by the store he either A. wouldnt be coming in on the hours i work on the weekends, cause usually he sleeps in (and rarely leaves the house period) or B. would be at work on the weekdays so theres literally no way he would be there. and i would think he would avoid me, but despite all that i still get super anxious about it sometimes. even though i want to see him and talk to him, having that happen unexpectedly and at work would be awful haha.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Warmth - C418

So ive always had a pretty rough time when it comes to my mental, its been a constant struggle since i was able to form thoughts lol. But ive realized something kind of strange. Ive had a few different 'eras' of bad mental states, each in different ways.

And, just for myself to think more clearly id align them like this; half a decade or so of depression (my depression, my weird dull depression.) -> post happiness breakdown/ex fallout -> something i forgot lmao -> ev induced self-hate and yearning -> post wreck mental wreckage, no body included -> literal psychosis paranoia addition -> current drainage, restlessness.

crazy to think everything after the one i forgot is all this year lmao. looking at that i kind of feel schizophrenic but fuck it we ball. anyways ive realized that in some ways i still miss these times? its hard to describe the exact feeling its a weird kind of yearning i dont experience with anything else. I know why, because that long period of depression started when i was young and was a comfortable constant for me, i was dull and thats all there was to it. it was simple, peaceful in a way, but it was my normal and so that made it some sort of comfort for me. i crave change now after escaping the dullness, but when things get to be too much i fall back into that similar mindset. its not the same, im a different person so of course i wont experience depression the same way, which i kind of like in some strange way (maybe because im starting to really like change.). but its hard on me, being comforted by an unstable mental- but also craving change, so its always conflicting no matter what mental state im in. when im doing bad i crave the good, but am unable to better myself yet. when im doing good i crave the bad, guiltily; because i know i shouldnt, but i want to be comforted.

I think the solution to this is probably finding other ways to comfort myself, and i said to myself: im not sure how though, but i think i do actually. i have people who love me a lot, and would want to listen to me. ive had lots of setbacks in the 'talking to people about my feelings' department though, stuff as a kid and ESPECIALLY that stuff with him. leave it to me to only feel comfortable talking with the one person i know who cant understand i need to be taken seriously and want to actually talk about stuff when i talk about my feelings. i need to start a list of goals or some shit so i can actually work on them, i always remember my goals and then immediately forget again...

anyways i think im finally getting out of my current slump (or atleast i hope so haha) this is the first day ive had in a month where i didnt feel like total shit (emotionally) all day, despite being physically exhausted. I feel like i can start trying to think again! im gonna go ahead and write down some goals on notion, just to have it written down somewhere, finally taking some action yknow... hopefully after that ill put my laundry in the dryer, take a shower, and head to bed. I have work tomorrow, lets hope i can finally make THE COMEBACK OF THE CENTURY!!!!! peace hehe.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Kitty Craft - 11 Hours and 16 Days

My last entry feels like yesterday, im not spacing out i am literally IN space. its so hard for me to just be present, and lord is it affecting my memory. i couldnt tell you a single thing ive done this week let alone last or any before that. its so hard to just. think. i cant think at all and i dont know how to start doing it again. i feel so gone, i often slip up when i talk by misremembering or pronouncing things incorrectly. when i talk to people at my work i dont even know how im responding until after ive done so and i fully realize what ive said, my own voice sounds strange to me. i dont have the energy to do anything, even the thought of doing anything makes me tired. i dont want to play games or crochet or code or read or draw, shit i dont even want to doomscroll or watch youtube. i just want to sleep. im not suicidal or thinking about self-harm, i just want sleep. im in some slump i dont know how to get out of, and even if i did know i dont think id have the energy to do so.

Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: 20180529 - Mac Demarco

Im sorry for disappearing again, my life has kind of been weird since my last entry. It feels like so much has happened but also so little. There was another situation with my family, I had to stay with my friend for a week because i wasnt safe in my own home. And i think i cried the hardest i ever have, im talking almost puked i cried so hard, which is crazy for me! Im not going to get too far into it, especially because things are really starting to get better now. Like- i feel like changes are finally actually being made and its really crazy. But i also dont really need to worry about my home life too much longer because i got accepted into the college i applied for. Ive been having to deal with setting that up, and it just feels so strange, i never thought i would get to experience that you know? Its also been stressful though, i think im scared but i cant really tell why. its alright though because im sure it will work out in the end, and its still something im looking foward to.

With the hospital visit and then this family stuff, i realized i didnt really get to process losing my friend like i should have. Ive been saying 'friend', it was more than that though. I think what i said in my last entry was wise, and i had a good outlook on that situation. but shit, its really hitting again how much i miss him these days. we were so close in the beginning, and it feels so long ago that we were romantic like that, before it just stopped. and its like im only now remembering all the important memories i made with him. he was the first person ive met who has experienced the world like i do, id never felt so connected with someone in my life. And i understand most people incredibly well, i can read most people like a book, but even with my friends i would doubt my judgments about how they felt or just not understand at all at times. but with him i always knew, i could guess what he would say, know how he would feel about things, know the instant something was off. During our last conversation he talked about why he was the way he was, and what made him act the way he did. He said that he was always either entirely too focused on himself or everybody else, too selfish vs. too selfless. And during our 'situationship' (and to our friendship) he was selfish, not entirely, he would do things for me without asking. But mentally he was incredibly selfish, and it really started to show near the end because that was when i needed him the most. I think this past year has been one of the hardest, most confusing, most hurtful years of my life, and when i finally found someone i wanted to communicate with (to have a part of me) they suddenly make that the hardest thing to do. I wanted so badly to come to him, to feel safe with him, to be loved, but he didnt know me. he didnt know me like i knew him, even though i wanted him to, i was so willing. And i dont think he ever even realized that until the very end, and i think he still doesnt understand how much i trusted him with myself. I know he misses me now, ive seen the messages he leaves on the boards, you dont know what you have until its gone i guess. And i know, i know i shouldnt talk to him, and i wont start the conversation at least, but if he messaged me i would answer. I told him not to, unless it was important, but i wish he would. i want to know how hes doing, if he has more to say to me, if i could say what i want to him. I got my closure so ill be okay if he doesnt, but i think ill wonder about him for a long time. when i see his name or someone who looks like him i can feel this awful ache in my chest, and i cant tell what it is (sadness, longing, hate, whatever else).

besides all that unpacking, things have been bleak, but im trying to look up. everything has been really rough but im still here. onto to better days i hope. its really late so im gonna sleep, heres to hoping i can get an 2 entry every week (at minimum) schedual going again. I really like writing but im often too tired to do so.

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: 20201203 - Mac Demarco

rest in peace my once a week entry schedule. my last entry was october 28th (it was private), its been about 2 months, so lets recap!! keeping a normal sense of time is hard for me, which leads to my memory and ability to create timelines becoming difficult to maintain, but ill try my best. last time i posted i talked about issues with my dad and my friend so lets clear up that stuff first. i had a talk with my dad, i wont go into too much detail, but it went pretty well i think and it felt like he actually took most of what i said to heart. we've been doing better now, had some hiccups where ive just been upset with him, but its starting to feel like we can interact normally again. that being said my parents arent going to be together much longer, for some reason i couldnt explain that idea hasnt been bugging me. i think just hasnt hit yet, and it will when they actually break things off, but for now ive just accepted it. i hope ill be more sad about it later because i want to be emotional, to be human about it, but logically i know its the best thing.

with my friend, i cut contact. not completely, i didnt block him, but i closed our dms and told him not to message me unless it was important or after a year or something. my other friends criticized me for this because whenever ive talked about situations ive had with him they think its always really terrible, and that means i should never talk to him again, or even want to. maybe im still looking at things through rose-tinted glasses, or something, but i just cant seem to be upset at him for the things he did. maybe its because im still holding on to the good moments and making excuses for him. maybe its because i still feel so similar to him that i just understand, i dont think ive ever understood someone so well. we had a good conversation before saying bye, i got some closure on things and i gave him some advice for how to be better in the future. he apologized to me for the things he did, acknowledged when he knew what he did was wrong and asked questions and wanted advice when he did something he didnt understand. i cut him off a little over 2 weeks ago, and honestly in the beginning it was agonizing, we talked everyday all the time so suddenly having that distraction (attention, friendship, outlet, etc.) disappear was awful. I felt so incredibly lonely it hurt, and it still does, but its been slowly getting better. and in the end i know i did the right thing, our relationship was toxic because of things he did in the beginning, i tried to forgive him and move on (even though he never acknowledged it until i brought it up at the very end), but i couldnt heal with him still there and i hated feeling angry at someone i just wanted to be good to.

and with my horrible timing less than a week after i dropped him i was in the hospital for 4 days. my appendix was infected and i had to have surgery to get it removed. interestingly they found some weird mass left over that my intestines were starting to wrap around, which they got rid of, and also a random pool of blood. they figured the pool of blood was from an ovarian cyst that had ruptured, which checks out because i had my period recently and the pain wasnt NEARLY as bad, so i have an appointment with a gynecologist to get that checked out. i was really only supposed to be at the hospital for 1 or 2 days max, but my recovery was so awful i had to stay 2 extra days. and when i say this was the worst pain of my life, holy fuck, before the surgery it was like being stabbed in one spot, but after?? after was like i was getting stabbed all over my body, my shoulder and my chest and my heart were the worst spots and ive never screamed or cried so hard in my life. the pain was so bad even the hospital ibuprofen wouldnt affect anything, only morphine would help and even then it wouldnt completely take the pain away. i couldnt go to the bathroom without having a screaming fit, which was so loud at times the nurses heard me through my door and would come and help me calm down. i felt so bad for my mom and the nurses for having to take care of me but it was so hard to do anything. the reason the pain was so bad is that when they do the surgery they fill you with a bunch of air so they have more room to navigate their tools, but it creates a bunch of pressure which messes with your nerves and your muscles, and im so bad at passing gas its insane. anyway the pain was horrible but the hospital was cool so overall i rate the experience a 6/10.

Because of all this shit ive been pretty depressed for awhile, OH and before i forget i was actively going through horrible psychosis while cutting off my friend. so yknow that also contributed to the horribleness. im not gonna go too into the psychosis stuff, but i was talking to my therapist about it a few days ago and she was so quiet it freaked me out. i know hearing about that stuff is strange, especially coming from me; someone who never talks in depth about what im actually experiencing or going through, and logically i get it, but her reaction really made me feel weird so i dont think im gonna bring it up again. we talked about seeing a psychiatrist, but i honestly doubt that will be something she or i follows through with. but yeah, lifes been sucking, i think im finally starting to feel a little better though, so lets hope i can make the fucking comeback of the year and start having some good times again.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Hell Yeah - Bloodhound Gang

I feel like the days have just been speeding by. Im not sure if its because im having fun, so time feels faster, or because every day feels the same. Ive been doing pretty well i think., i dont feel like complete shit so thats good. a few days ago we had this kitten over at my house to give to my grandpa. charlie was his name and he was the sweetest cat i ever met, he absolutely adored me and i need to go visit him soon. when i took him to my grandpas house he was completely against the idea, but after spending an hour or so with him he changed his mind lol. i knew he would fall in love with charlie the moment he actually interacted with him, how could you not be charmed by such a sweet little guy.

ive had plans for most of this week, i had something on monday that i cant quite remember now. but yesterday my tennis friends came over and we all contributed to making a full course meal (i made dessert), then we watched horror movies and played games. it was super fun and really homey, just a really nice day. tomorrow im going to go hang with some other friends and watch a movie and maybe thrift, hoping that goes well because its a bigger group of people...

i havent really made a lot of progress on much of anything though. ive been working so much and making plans whenever i have free time that i either end up to busy to do anything or too tired from plans the day before to do much. havent messed with my website much, ive read a little but maybe only like 20 pages or so, and i havent crochet anything in a long while. i also havent done any homework in awhile and i have a ton of chores. im hoping today ill hop on it, get chores and homework done so i can have less of a load on my free days to do what i want. im a little discouraged right now, tired with no motivation, but hopefully i can lock tf in and get shit done haha.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Mac Demarco - 20190802

this last week has been surprisingly good for me. last week i started working on my website again and ive been making decent progress! im happy its becoming something more consistent and not just a one off project im only passionate about for a day. its honestly really easy to get in the groove of learning new html and practicing once i actually just start, i can sit there for hours and just code. im still learning though so i havent made much in terms of actual substance on my website, but its a start lol.

ive also started reading before bed which is good. im hoping to start doing more crochet or drawing next, i have some shows that i need to watch actually and that would be the perfect opportunity to crochet. anyways other than that my week has been good i would say. i kinda had a shitty day yesterday, i didnt do anything but rot in bed after work. i was upset about it for a while, but i thought about it and its okay. i cant expect myself to be completely okay every day, especially since im coming out of a depression and some pretty traumatic stuff happened to me. so i forgive myself for rotting for a day, i did so well the rest of the week and i deserve some lenience i think.

i also got my 'treat of the month' which is just one thing i buy for myself each month or so. i got this game called vintage story, it started out as a minecraft mod so its a little similar but its waaay more complex and honestly i think looks a lot nicer. ive only played a little of it, its hard to know how to start when your new with such a complex game. i honestly might watch another persons tutorial to begin, on one hand i dont want to spoil anything as its probably more rewarding to find it out yourself, but also i feel like rainworld had a similar premise and i watched TONS of videos on rainworld before i played and i still enjoyed it a ton lol.

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Fire Water Burn - Bloodhound Gang

I got back from florida yesterday, I think that was one of the best vacations ive ever had. Usually when i go on vacation my family they end up arguing amongst themselves and im stuck having to ignore them while they bicker. But this trip had very minimal arguments and i also wasnt alone! I got to go with my friend j and had a much better time than i wouldve without him. Im really happy that j was the person who went with me rather than anyone else, we connect in a really specific way i dont feel with my other friends and im the only person j can stand to be around for more than a day without getting drained. We had a lot of fun and i got to spend so much time on the beach, which was really all i wanted to do this vacay. we also rented a pontoon boat and while we were out we say a baby hammerhead shark which was fucking awesome!!

Even though i had fun i only really felt present for like 60% of the trip. im still struggling with being in the moment and not feeling lost in my own mind. the dissociation is eating me up lol. But i know i definitely feel a lot better now than i did before the trip so im hoping its only up from here. I really want to start drawing again because that was the main way i expressed myself for a long time and ive realized that ever since i stopped drawing i havent really had a way to release some shit in me that i need to. after i finish this entry im gonna try to find some references to put together so i can start conceptualizing what kind of style id like.

One thing i find really difficult when it comes to hobbies for me is that i dont like sticking to one specific thing for too long. Like developing your art style, theres so many different styles that i love at different times so its hard to find just one to stick to. you dont necessarily HAVE to stick to one style but to really master it and get to a point where id be satisfied with what im doing i would need to practice for some time and that just sort of demotivates me. I also have this problem with fashion, i really like a lot of different styles, but i feel like it would be a waste to have just one outfit for each specific style. Plus clothes are expensive and im not very good at styling anyway. The only real medium i can comfortably express my diversity in is music, it doesnt ask anything of me (money, effort, etc.) and is incredibly diverse so i feel like i get to express all of me through what i listen to.

Back to reality though, i havent worked in over 3 weeks because of my wreck and then my vacation and im going back on friday. im a little worried just because i havent been there in so long but im sure it wont be too bad. I still need to get a new car, i got like 20k from insurance to spend on one, plus extra from grandparents if needed. Im thinking about getting a van, a van that i could maybe get customized in the future? I think customized vans are so badass and so fun. Id love to be able to just live in my car and travel. hopefully we go car shopping soon, im kind of excited for it!

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Rubber Room - Part Time

I really need to post more often, moreso for myself than anything else. I very much need to get into the habit of writing out my feelings, mainly because i dont know how to reach out to talk to anyone i know about how i feel, and that the days have been blurring together so i often forget any feelings ive had. Also this is pretty much the only space i feel safe talking about things. But alas even writing here is hard for me because translating how i feel into words is quite difficult. Anyways, ill try to write more because with experience comes knowledge and ill get better with time.

On the topic of journaling ive also been thinking about maybe starting a video journal. It would be more interesting to look back at than writing i would think. If i did start one it would go on my website (which is very bare bones right now [aka there practically isint a website at all]) which is a bit of a scary thought because for some reason that feels much more public than this. I could just keep it on a hidden page though. Anyways i think starting with a video journal and then easing into an actual written journal would be much easier for me. Mostly because its easy for me to let my thoughts flow out when im talking to myself because my mind hasnt been able to hold onto much thought lately. When i write i often find myself moving onto different topics in my head before i can get all my thoughts written out and it makes it difficult for me to structure what im saying correctly. We'll see if i end up starting the video journal, i dont follow through with most of my hobbies :/.

Besides all that life has been pretty eh lately. I got in a wreck two weeks ago (it feels like 3 days ago) and i messed up my arm and havent been able to work. My car got totaled which has SUCKED, i miss driving around freely T-T. I also ended up having a mental breakdown the night after my wreck, I had a lot of stress from other things that i was ignoring and the wreck just made everything come down on me at once. I was doing really bad for a week or so (from what i can remember anyway) but lately ive just been feeling numb. Well, more complicated than just 'numb' but im not really sure how to explain. But I go on vacation in 3 days and im looking forward to it! I cant really bring myself to be excited but i know that im gonna have a great time when it starts, im going to florida with some family and one of my friends. It'll be good for me to go, i cant help but feel anything but peace when im on the beach.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Garden Grove - Sublime

Its been awhile since my last update, a bit has happened haha. Im still trying to recover from whatever the hell happened to me a month ago now. I just now realized its been a month, its felt like a week. I think that whatever i went through may have messed with my brain, ive always had a horrible sense of time but its been much much worse. The same with my memory, it hasnt ever been the best but it seems to have gotten a lot worse. Despite that im doing a bit better mentally now.

Ive had some other issues come up since then though, like some things going on with my parents, and a weird situation with my friend. The parent stuff is still ongoing, but i honestly cant really be bothered by that, im just hoping that stuff goes okay. And i think the friend thing is going ok now? To summarize me and this person were very very close but then they kinda dropped me out of nowhere. I was pretty upset about it, eventually we ended up kinda talking about it, and have been kinda getting closer since. Hoping things will go okay with that from now on, we'll see.

I also went to the ER two days ago. I almost fainted at work after i got hurt on accident, and this has happened to me before so my parents decided it would be best to get it checked out. So theres this nerve by your heart thats purpose is to slow down your heart whenever you get injured and it starts beating fast, so you dont panic or have a heart attack or whatever. But for me it just works in over drive and my heart slows down more than its supposed too and my blood kinda stops flowing. Which makes sense because apparently i get superrr pale whenever this happens. So yeah, whenever i get hurt and it surprises me i have a chance of passing out. It was pretty embarrassing at work because i was on a register cashiering as it happened and all the managers were around me making a big deal, and it was crazy busy because it was saturday. but it is nice to know that my coworkers care about me.

Thats all i have the energy to write for now, im gonna try to get some school work done and maybe take a nap lol, peace.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Eat More - Ovlov

This past month has been annoyingly slow and agonizing, but things are just starting to feel like they are moving again. Since the 14th I had been in a slump, i wont go into detail but that day was one of the worst ive had in a good while. It felt like i was stuck in a loop until yesterday, the depression was really getting to me. I had kind of been stuck at home with finishing school and the fact that it seemed everyone was busy so there wasnt much for me to do other than rot in bed (well, i could done more productive things other than watch youtube in bed all day). But since yesterday ive been starting to feel a bit better and i think im getting out of my slump, my life is still very bittersweet but at least its that instead of just bitter. Although my feelings have been getting better my sleep schedule definitely has not, i went into work today with maybe 3 hours of sleep. It honestly wasnt too bad because im in the bakery this week and the guy im working with hasnt really made me do much, probably since im technically not supposed to be back there and also because im a bit too tiny for most of the heavy lifting. Still it really wore me out and i practically passed out the moment i got in bed, ive been a bit sick this past week so it was nice to finally get some good rest despite that.

Another thing id like to do to get out of the depressive loop is look for another job. When i get paid on wednesday id like to have a day to run errands and look around for places to apply. The man in the bakery told me i should stay at my current job and work for 2 years so that im old enough to work in the deli and then transfer there. Its honestly a really smart idea because they make really good money and its a valuable skill thats applicable at multiple different places. But honestly, id really like to look around and see what else there is, my job isint the worst, but i dont think i want to be there for 2 years. I applied to one store in the mall, i need to call about an interview but im not sure what their number is (im too lazy to look it up x.x). Anyways ill figure that out soon hopefully and update here but thats all ive got to write for now, peace.