busy but also bored
Dec. 22nd, 2024 09:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spookssrest in peace my once a week entry schedule. my last entry was october 28th (it was private), its been about 2 months, so lets recap!! keeping a normal sense of time is hard for me, which leads to my memory and ability to create timelines becoming difficult to maintain, but ill try my best. last time i posted i talked about issues with my dad and my friend so lets clear up that stuff first. i had a talk with my dad, i wont go into too much detail, but it went pretty well i think and it felt like he actually took most of what i said to heart. we've been doing better now, had some hiccups where ive just been upset with him, but its starting to feel like we can interact normally again. that being said my parents arent going to be together much longer, for some reason i couldnt explain that idea hasnt been bugging me. i think just hasnt hit yet, and it will when they actually break things off, but for now ive just accepted it. i hope ill be more sad about it later because i want to be emotional, to be human about it, but logically i know its the best thing.
with my friend, i cut contact. not completely, i didnt block him, but i closed our dms and told him not to message me unless it was important or after a year or something. my other friends criticized me for this because whenever ive talked about situations ive had with him they think its always really terrible, and that means i should never talk to him again, or even want to. maybe im still looking at things through rose-tinted glasses, or something, but i just cant seem to be upset at him for the things he did. maybe its because im still holding on to the good moments and making excuses for him. maybe its because i still feel so similar to him that i just understand, i dont think ive ever understood someone so well. we had a good conversation before saying bye, i got some closure on things and i gave him some advice for how to be better in the future. he apologized to me for the things he did, acknowledged when he knew what he did was wrong and asked questions and wanted advice when he did something he didnt understand. i cut him off a little over 2 weeks ago, and honestly in the beginning it was agonizing, we talked everyday all the time so suddenly having that distraction (attention, friendship, outlet, etc.) disappear was awful. I felt so incredibly lonely it hurt, and it still does, but its been slowly getting better. and in the end i know i did the right thing, our relationship was toxic because of things he did in the beginning, i tried to forgive him and move on (even though he never acknowledged it until i brought it up at the very end), but i couldnt heal with him still there and i hated feeling angry at someone i just wanted to be good to.
and with my horrible timing less than a week after i dropped him i was in the hospital for 4 days. my appendix was infected and i had to have surgery to get it removed. interestingly they found some weird mass left over that my intestines were starting to wrap around, which they got rid of, and also a random pool of blood. they figured the pool of blood was from an ovarian cyst that had ruptured, which checks out because i had my period recently and the pain wasnt NEARLY as bad, so i have an appointment with a gynecologist to get that checked out. i was really only supposed to be at the hospital for 1 or 2 days max, but my recovery was so awful i had to stay 2 extra days. and when i say this was the worst pain of my life, holy fuck, before the surgery it was like being stabbed in one spot, but after?? after was like i was getting stabbed all over my body, my shoulder and my chest and my heart were the worst spots and ive never screamed or cried so hard in my life. the pain was so bad even the hospital ibuprofen wouldnt affect anything, only morphine would help and even then it wouldnt completely take the pain away. i couldnt go to the bathroom without having a screaming fit, which was so loud at times the nurses heard me through my door and would come and help me calm down. i felt so bad for my mom and the nurses for having to take care of me but it was so hard to do anything. the reason the pain was so bad is that when they do the surgery they fill you with a bunch of air so they have more room to navigate their tools, but it creates a bunch of pressure which messes with your nerves and your muscles, and im so bad at passing gas its insane. anyway the pain was horrible but the hospital was cool so overall i rate the experience a 6/10.
Because of all this shit ive been pretty depressed for awhile, OH and before i forget i was actively going through horrible psychosis while cutting off my friend. so yknow that also contributed to the horribleness. im not gonna go too into the psychosis stuff, but i was talking to my therapist about it a few days ago and she was so quiet it freaked me out. i know hearing about that stuff is strange, especially coming from me; someone who never talks in depth about what im actually experiencing or going through, and logically i get it, but her reaction really made me feel weird so i dont think im gonna bring it up again. we talked about seeing a psychiatrist, but i honestly doubt that will be something she or i follows through with. but yeah, lifes been sucking, i think im finally starting to feel a little better though, so lets hope i can make the fucking comeback of the year and start having some good times again.
with my friend, i cut contact. not completely, i didnt block him, but i closed our dms and told him not to message me unless it was important or after a year or something. my other friends criticized me for this because whenever ive talked about situations ive had with him they think its always really terrible, and that means i should never talk to him again, or even want to. maybe im still looking at things through rose-tinted glasses, or something, but i just cant seem to be upset at him for the things he did. maybe its because im still holding on to the good moments and making excuses for him. maybe its because i still feel so similar to him that i just understand, i dont think ive ever understood someone so well. we had a good conversation before saying bye, i got some closure on things and i gave him some advice for how to be better in the future. he apologized to me for the things he did, acknowledged when he knew what he did was wrong and asked questions and wanted advice when he did something he didnt understand. i cut him off a little over 2 weeks ago, and honestly in the beginning it was agonizing, we talked everyday all the time so suddenly having that distraction (attention, friendship, outlet, etc.) disappear was awful. I felt so incredibly lonely it hurt, and it still does, but its been slowly getting better. and in the end i know i did the right thing, our relationship was toxic because of things he did in the beginning, i tried to forgive him and move on (even though he never acknowledged it until i brought it up at the very end), but i couldnt heal with him still there and i hated feeling angry at someone i just wanted to be good to.
and with my horrible timing less than a week after i dropped him i was in the hospital for 4 days. my appendix was infected and i had to have surgery to get it removed. interestingly they found some weird mass left over that my intestines were starting to wrap around, which they got rid of, and also a random pool of blood. they figured the pool of blood was from an ovarian cyst that had ruptured, which checks out because i had my period recently and the pain wasnt NEARLY as bad, so i have an appointment with a gynecologist to get that checked out. i was really only supposed to be at the hospital for 1 or 2 days max, but my recovery was so awful i had to stay 2 extra days. and when i say this was the worst pain of my life, holy fuck, before the surgery it was like being stabbed in one spot, but after?? after was like i was getting stabbed all over my body, my shoulder and my chest and my heart were the worst spots and ive never screamed or cried so hard in my life. the pain was so bad even the hospital ibuprofen wouldnt affect anything, only morphine would help and even then it wouldnt completely take the pain away. i couldnt go to the bathroom without having a screaming fit, which was so loud at times the nurses heard me through my door and would come and help me calm down. i felt so bad for my mom and the nurses for having to take care of me but it was so hard to do anything. the reason the pain was so bad is that when they do the surgery they fill you with a bunch of air so they have more room to navigate their tools, but it creates a bunch of pressure which messes with your nerves and your muscles, and im so bad at passing gas its insane. anyway the pain was horrible but the hospital was cool so overall i rate the experience a 6/10.
Because of all this shit ive been pretty depressed for awhile, OH and before i forget i was actively going through horrible psychosis while cutting off my friend. so yknow that also contributed to the horribleness. im not gonna go too into the psychosis stuff, but i was talking to my therapist about it a few days ago and she was so quiet it freaked me out. i know hearing about that stuff is strange, especially coming from me; someone who never talks in depth about what im actually experiencing or going through, and logically i get it, but her reaction really made me feel weird so i dont think im gonna bring it up again. we talked about seeing a psychiatrist, but i honestly doubt that will be something she or i follows through with. but yeah, lifes been sucking, i think im finally starting to feel a little better though, so lets hope i can make the fucking comeback of the year and start having some good times again.
