better, rockier, days ahead

[spookss]

Welp I can positively say I was very clouded by depression in my last post, and had been for quite a while. And well, maybe I still am a bit now, but I think things are slowly getting just a bit better in my mind. I still have some very concrete problems with how I function in my day-to-day life, many improvements to make; working out, getting out of bed and to class, staying on top of work, being able to be alone and productive by myself without doomscrolling. All these things have been weighing me down, but I'm slowly escaping the bad habits, and I'm not sure why but I just feel like things are going to get better soon. 

Me and him have been dating for about half a month now. I'm really happy its official now and not just a will they wont they situation. The day we got together I got incredibly anxious and scared the following night, i was overwhelmed and I couldn't even tell why. Im thinking now it was mostly because of e. I was unknowingly following into the same cycle i had with e with him, and to me the end of situation ship meant the end of friendship up until this point, and i guess it just brought up some unconscious learned fear. Once i realized that and talked with basically all of my friends i felt so much better, and im genuinely so happy with our relationship right now. There were other real worries i had, especially with regard to my emotional needs, but i got myself to talk to him about it, and he's been so understanding and sweet. I feel so lucky because he's the sweetest boy ive ever met in my life, not that ive met many but ive heard horror stories from my friends and of course have a few of my own. 

He's helped me directly a lot, but i notice our relationship has helped me in ways he doesnt even know. Its been almost a month since I, and the other reason i havent is because of him. he doesnt know at all, and i dont plan on telling him, which i feel a little guilty about, I trust him to know but i just dont think anything good would come from him knowing. It would cause more harm than it already has, and if i dont do it again then it shouldnt be an issue (lets hope LOL). Anyway thats a pretty big deal, and it just makes me question how viable it is for me to be on my own. Which, of course, leads to the conclusion that it is not viable at all for me to be on my own lol. Ive very much turned into an inverted people person, which ive found to be both a blessing and a curse. blurse. anyway thats about all i have the energy for, i cant be bothered to recap all the things that happened between the many gaps in my entries, its for me after all and no one else.