spookss

So ive always had a pretty rough time when it comes to my mental, its been a constant struggle since i was able to form thoughts lol. But ive realized something kind of strange. Ive had a few different 'eras' of bad mental states, each in different ways.

And, just for myself to think more clearly id align them like this; half a decade or so of depression (my depression, my weird dull depression.) -> post happiness breakdown/ex fallout -> something i forgot lmao -> ev induced self-hate and yearning -> post wreck mental wreckage, no body included -> literal psychosis paranoia addition -> current drainage, restlessness.

crazy to think everything after the one i forgot is all this year lmao. looking at that i kind of feel schizophrenic but fuck it we ball. anyways ive realized that in some ways i still miss these times? its hard to describe the exact feeling its a weird kind of yearning i dont experience with anything else. I know why, because that long period of depression started when i was young and was a comfortable constant for me, i was dull and thats all there was to it. it was simple, peaceful in a way, but it was my normal and so that made it some sort of comfort for me. i crave change now after escaping the dullness, but when things get to be too much i fall back into that similar mindset. its not the same, im a different person so of course i wont experience depression the same way, which i kind of like in some strange way (maybe because im starting to really like change.). but its hard on me, being comforted by an unstable mental- but also craving change, so its always conflicting no matter what mental state im in. when im doing bad i crave the good, but am unable to better myself yet. when im doing good i crave the bad, guiltily; because i know i shouldnt, but i want to be comforted.

I think the solution to this is probably finding other ways to comfort myself, and i said to myself: im not sure how though, but i think i do actually. i have people who love me a lot, and would want to listen to me. ive had lots of setbacks in the 'talking to people about my feelings' department though, stuff as a kid and ESPECIALLY that stuff with him. leave it to me to only feel comfortable talking with the one person i know who cant understand i need to be taken seriously  and want to actually talk about stuff when i talk about my feelings. i need to start a list of goals or some shit so i can actually work on them, i always remember my goals and then immediately forget again...

anyways i think im finally getting out of my current slump (or atleast i hope so haha)  this is the first day ive had in a month where i didnt feel like total shit (emotionally) all day, despite being physically exhausted. I feel like i can start trying to think again! im gonna go ahead and write down some goals on notion, just to have it written down somewhere, finally taking some action yknow... hopefully after that ill put my laundry in the dryer, take a shower, and head to bed. I have work tomorrow, lets hope i can finally make THE COMEBACK OF THE CENTURY!!!!! peace hehe.