spookss | Entries tagged with journaling

I can't tell exactly what's been stressing me out these last few days. I keep brainstorming, thinking of plausible reasons to explain why i feel this way, but i cant tell which idea is truly the correct one. Maybe I need space, need to learn how to be comfortable with myself, to not depend on one so much. Maybe this relationship is draining me because things arent being said, my expectations i didnt know i had arent being met, maybe im just overwhelmed after the past couple of days and if i just wait things out it will get better, and ill feel happy like i did before. Maybe i need to talk about it and sort it out, its obvious that something is off with me- things are really really off with me right now. Even with all those reasons to cause the stress i cant understand why im as stressed as i am, why it hurts so much? maybe it makes me think of him, of how awful i felt then. I miss having intellectual, deep conversations i think. especially now, i feel so much now and it feels like ive gotten better at seeing past situations in a full light and being able to get the most out of them. and yet it feels like i dont have someone i can converse about this stuff with, that will care in the way i want them to. thats probably my issue right, wanting and expecting something that is unrealistic, seeking something i simply dont have and have no way to properly attain. i need to be satisfied with myself, im unsure of how to do that, but i know its what i need to do. last night i wrote down a bit from a post that really stuck with me, "familiar not relevant". I think im familiar to quite a few people in my life, especially him now. maybe its just depression clouding my view but it feels like im a replacement not a person, something meant to entertain. there are specific things that make me feel that way, and maybe some of those things are valid, but i think im just being hurt by my own perceptions rather than something concrete and real. In the end i know there is a better way to go about how i feel and im wrong for doing so, but im going to just wait a little, see if things can just get a little better in their own time, and maybe find some more time for myself (and use that time to do something beneficial).

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Duster - Stratosphere

So i have prom tomorrow (technically today... i should really be sleeping) and while i think itll be fun and everyone will have a good time, ive got some worries. For some context me and my friend Lee have known each other for a long ass time. weve been besties since elementary basically, and while i love her so much, i do have some beef with her that i havent gotten to talk about. the thing is even though i have beef, i can still be friends with her and hang with her, cause we rarely hang out nowadays and im js trying to enjoy my time with her until she goes to college in Colorado. this cannot be said for my other friend titus though. Me and titus have been friends for like 2 years now? something like that, but we have gotten really super close over these past few months. and i love titus but when bro gets upset its hard for them to crawl away from that feeling, especially when they're upset at someone specific, and titus definitely has some beef with lee.

They both have their faults, lee can be a jerk and so can titus, and that would be fine if they could actually TALK to each other about this stuff. Titus grew up in an environment where they NEEDED to be loud and out there to be heard, but lee crumbles and gets extremely upset when someone BARELY raises their voice at her. titus needs to talk more calmly and lee needs to be able to handle volume without crashing. I relate to lee though, i used to be that way with my dad, but its to a point where you literally cant talk to her (no matter the volume of your voice) because she will just be upset. But this shit sucks to be in the middle of, i hang out with titus a lot and titus will complain a lot about lee, and to some extent i get it but literally ALL of their issues would be solved if bro was able to talk to her.

anyways prom is tomorrow and lee will be there (me and titus are going together cause we dont have partners) and she asked if we wanted to hangout after prom at her house (with three other people we know too). and idk,, titus has been having a hard time lately and i worry that something is gonna lead to an argument. im really hoping not PLEASE just let us have fun, but damn its a bit worrying

ill post a more documentative writing soon,, i havent rlly had much motivation.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Officer - Slightly Stupid

So ive always had a pretty rough time when it comes to my mental, its been a constant struggle since i was able to form thoughts lol. But ive realized something kind of strange. Ive had a few different 'eras' of bad mental states, each in different ways.

And, just for myself to think more clearly id align them like this; half a decade or so of depression (my depression, my weird dull depression.) -> post happiness breakdown/ex fallout -> something i forgot lmao -> ev induced self-hate and yearning -> post wreck mental wreckage, no body included -> literal psychosis paranoia addition -> current drainage, restlessness.

crazy to think everything after the one i forgot is all this year lmao. looking at that i kind of feel schizophrenic but fuck it we ball. anyways ive realized that in some ways i still miss these times? its hard to describe the exact feeling its a weird kind of yearning i dont experience with anything else. I know why, because that long period of depression started when i was young and was a comfortable constant for me, i was dull and thats all there was to it. it was simple, peaceful in a way, but it was my normal and so that made it some sort of comfort for me. i crave change now after escaping the dullness, but when things get to be too much i fall back into that similar mindset. its not the same, im a different person so of course i wont experience depression the same way, which i kind of like in some strange way (maybe because im starting to really like change.). but its hard on me, being comforted by an unstable mental- but also craving change, so its always conflicting no matter what mental state im in. when im doing bad i crave the good, but am unable to better myself yet. when im doing good i crave the bad, guiltily; because i know i shouldnt, but i want to be comforted.

I think the solution to this is probably finding other ways to comfort myself, and i said to myself: im not sure how though, but i think i do actually. i have people who love me a lot, and would want to listen to me. ive had lots of setbacks in the 'talking to people about my feelings' department though, stuff as a kid and ESPECIALLY that stuff with him. leave it to me to only feel comfortable talking with the one person i know who cant understand i need to be taken seriously and want to actually talk about stuff when i talk about my feelings. i need to start a list of goals or some shit so i can actually work on them, i always remember my goals and then immediately forget again...

anyways i think im finally getting out of my current slump (or atleast i hope so haha) this is the first day ive had in a month where i didnt feel like total shit (emotionally) all day, despite being physically exhausted. I feel like i can start trying to think again! im gonna go ahead and write down some goals on notion, just to have it written down somewhere, finally taking some action yknow... hopefully after that ill put my laundry in the dryer, take a shower, and head to bed. I have work tomorrow, lets hope i can finally make THE COMEBACK OF THE CENTURY!!!!! peace hehe.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Kitty Craft - 11 Hours and 16 Days

Im sorry for disappearing again, my life has kind of been weird since my last entry. It feels like so much has happened but also so little. There was another situation with my family, I had to stay with my friend for a week because i wasnt safe in my own home. And i think i cried the hardest i ever have, im talking almost puked i cried so hard, which is crazy for me! Im not going to get too far into it, especially because things are really starting to get better now. Like- i feel like changes are finally actually being made and its really crazy. But i also dont really need to worry about my home life too much longer because i got accepted into the college i applied for. Ive been having to deal with setting that up, and it just feels so strange, i never thought i would get to experience that you know? Its also been stressful though, i think im scared but i cant really tell why. its alright though because im sure it will work out in the end, and its still something im looking foward to.

With the hospital visit and then this family stuff, i realized i didnt really get to process losing my friend like i should have. Ive been saying 'friend', it was more than that though. I think what i said in my last entry was wise, and i had a good outlook on that situation. but shit, its really hitting again how much i miss him these days. we were so close in the beginning, and it feels so long ago that we were romantic like that, before it just stopped. and its like im only now remembering all the important memories i made with him. he was the first person ive met who has experienced the world like i do, id never felt so connected with someone in my life. And i understand most people incredibly well, i can read most people like a book, but even with my friends i would doubt my judgments about how they felt or just not understand at all at times. but with him i always knew, i could guess what he would say, know how he would feel about things, know the instant something was off. During our last conversation he talked about why he was the way he was, and what made him act the way he did. He said that he was always either entirely too focused on himself or everybody else, too selfish vs. too selfless. And during our 'situationship' (and to our friendship) he was selfish, not entirely, he would do things for me without asking. But mentally he was incredibly selfish, and it really started to show near the end because that was when i needed him the most. I think this past year has been one of the hardest, most confusing, most hurtful years of my life, and when i finally found someone i wanted to communicate with (to have a part of me) they suddenly make that the hardest thing to do. I wanted so badly to come to him, to feel safe with him, to be loved, but he didnt know me. he didnt know me like i knew him, even though i wanted him to, i was so willing. And i dont think he ever even realized that until the very end, and i think he still doesnt understand how much i trusted him with myself. I know he misses me now, ive seen the messages he leaves on the boards, you dont know what you have until its gone i guess. And i know, i know i shouldnt talk to him, and i wont start the conversation at least, but if he messaged me i would answer. I told him not to, unless it was important, but i wish he would. i want to know how hes doing, if he has more to say to me, if i could say what i want to him. I got my closure so ill be okay if he doesnt, but i think ill wonder about him for a long time. when i see his name or someone who looks like him i can feel this awful ache in my chest, and i cant tell what it is (sadness, longing, hate, whatever else).

besides all that unpacking, things have been bleak, but im trying to look up. everything has been really rough but im still here. onto to better days i hope. its really late so im gonna sleep, heres to hoping i can get an 2 entry every week (at minimum) schedual going again. I really like writing but im often too tired to do so.

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: 20201203 - Mac Demarco

rest in peace my once a week entry schedule. my last entry was october 28th (it was private), its been about 2 months, so lets recap!! keeping a normal sense of time is hard for me, which leads to my memory and ability to create timelines becoming difficult to maintain, but ill try my best. last time i posted i talked about issues with my dad and my friend so lets clear up that stuff first. i had a talk with my dad, i wont go into too much detail, but it went pretty well i think and it felt like he actually took most of what i said to heart. we've been doing better now, had some hiccups where ive just been upset with him, but its starting to feel like we can interact normally again. that being said my parents arent going to be together much longer, for some reason i couldnt explain that idea hasnt been bugging me. i think just hasnt hit yet, and it will when they actually break things off, but for now ive just accepted it. i hope ill be more sad about it later because i want to be emotional, to be human about it, but logically i know its the best thing.

with my friend, i cut contact. not completely, i didnt block him, but i closed our dms and told him not to message me unless it was important or after a year or something. my other friends criticized me for this because whenever ive talked about situations ive had with him they think its always really terrible, and that means i should never talk to him again, or even want to. maybe im still looking at things through rose-tinted glasses, or something, but i just cant seem to be upset at him for the things he did. maybe its because im still holding on to the good moments and making excuses for him. maybe its because i still feel so similar to him that i just understand, i dont think ive ever understood someone so well. we had a good conversation before saying bye, i got some closure on things and i gave him some advice for how to be better in the future. he apologized to me for the things he did, acknowledged when he knew what he did was wrong and asked questions and wanted advice when he did something he didnt understand. i cut him off a little over 2 weeks ago, and honestly in the beginning it was agonizing, we talked everyday all the time so suddenly having that distraction (attention, friendship, outlet, etc.) disappear was awful. I felt so incredibly lonely it hurt, and it still does, but its been slowly getting better. and in the end i know i did the right thing, our relationship was toxic because of things he did in the beginning, i tried to forgive him and move on (even though he never acknowledged it until i brought it up at the very end), but i couldnt heal with him still there and i hated feeling angry at someone i just wanted to be good to.

and with my horrible timing less than a week after i dropped him i was in the hospital for 4 days. my appendix was infected and i had to have surgery to get it removed. interestingly they found some weird mass left over that my intestines were starting to wrap around, which they got rid of, and also a random pool of blood. they figured the pool of blood was from an ovarian cyst that had ruptured, which checks out because i had my period recently and the pain wasnt NEARLY as bad, so i have an appointment with a gynecologist to get that checked out. i was really only supposed to be at the hospital for 1 or 2 days max, but my recovery was so awful i had to stay 2 extra days. and when i say this was the worst pain of my life, holy fuck, before the surgery it was like being stabbed in one spot, but after?? after was like i was getting stabbed all over my body, my shoulder and my chest and my heart were the worst spots and ive never screamed or cried so hard in my life. the pain was so bad even the hospital ibuprofen wouldnt affect anything, only morphine would help and even then it wouldnt completely take the pain away. i couldnt go to the bathroom without having a screaming fit, which was so loud at times the nurses heard me through my door and would come and help me calm down. i felt so bad for my mom and the nurses for having to take care of me but it was so hard to do anything. the reason the pain was so bad is that when they do the surgery they fill you with a bunch of air so they have more room to navigate their tools, but it creates a bunch of pressure which messes with your nerves and your muscles, and im so bad at passing gas its insane. anyway the pain was horrible but the hospital was cool so overall i rate the experience a 6/10.

Because of all this shit ive been pretty depressed for awhile, OH and before i forget i was actively going through horrible psychosis while cutting off my friend. so yknow that also contributed to the horribleness. im not gonna go too into the psychosis stuff, but i was talking to my therapist about it a few days ago and she was so quiet it freaked me out. i know hearing about that stuff is strange, especially coming from me; someone who never talks in depth about what im actually experiencing or going through, and logically i get it, but her reaction really made me feel weird so i dont think im gonna bring it up again. we talked about seeing a psychiatrist, but i honestly doubt that will be something she or i follows through with. but yeah, lifes been sucking, i think im finally starting to feel a little better though, so lets hope i can make the fucking comeback of the year and start having some good times again.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Hell Yeah - Bloodhound Gang

I really need to post more often, moreso for myself than anything else. I very much need to get into the habit of writing out my feelings, mainly because i dont know how to reach out to talk to anyone i know about how i feel, and that the days have been blurring together so i often forget any feelings ive had. Also this is pretty much the only space i feel safe talking about things. But alas even writing here is hard for me because translating how i feel into words is quite difficult. Anyways, ill try to write more because with experience comes knowledge and ill get better with time.

On the topic of journaling ive also been thinking about maybe starting a video journal. It would be more interesting to look back at than writing i would think. If i did start one it would go on my website (which is very bare bones right now [aka there practically isint a website at all]) which is a bit of a scary thought because for some reason that feels much more public than this. I could just keep it on a hidden page though. Anyways i think starting with a video journal and then easing into an actual written journal would be much easier for me. Mostly because its easy for me to let my thoughts flow out when im talking to myself because my mind hasnt been able to hold onto much thought lately. When i write i often find myself moving onto different topics in my head before i can get all my thoughts written out and it makes it difficult for me to structure what im saying correctly. We'll see if i end up starting the video journal, i dont follow through with most of my hobbies :/.

Besides all that life has been pretty eh lately. I got in a wreck two weeks ago (it feels like 3 days ago) and i messed up my arm and havent been able to work. My car got totaled which has SUCKED, i miss driving around freely T-T. I also ended up having a mental breakdown the night after my wreck, I had a lot of stress from other things that i was ignoring and the wreck just made everything come down on me at once. I was doing really bad for a week or so (from what i can remember anyway) but lately ive just been feeling numb. Well, more complicated than just 'numb' but im not really sure how to explain. But I go on vacation in 3 days and im looking forward to it! I cant really bring myself to be excited but i know that im gonna have a great time when it starts, im going to florida with some family and one of my friends. It'll be good for me to go, i cant help but feel anything but peace when im on the beach.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Garden Grove - Sublime