Hello world

Im sorry for disappearing again, my life has kind of been weird since my last entry. It feels like so much has happened but also so little. There was another situation with my family, I had to stay with my friend for a week because i wasnt safe in my own home. And i think i cried the hardest i ever have, im talking almost puked i cried so hard, which is crazy for me! Im not going to get too far into it, especially because things are really starting to get better now. Like- i feel like changes are finally actually being made and its really crazy. But i also dont really need to worry about my home life too much longer because i got accepted into the college i applied for. Ive been having to deal with setting that up, and it just feels so strange, i never thought i would get to experience that you know? Its also been stressful though, i think im scared but i cant really tell why. its alright though because im sure it will work out in the end, and its still something im looking foward to.

With the hospital visit and then this family stuff, i realized i didnt really get to process losing my friend like i should have. Ive been saying 'friend', it was more than that though. I think what i said in my last entry was wise, and i had a good outlook on that situation. but shit, its really hitting again how much i miss him these days. we were so close in the beginning, and it feels so long ago that we were romantic like that, before it just stopped. and its like im only now remembering all the important memories i made with him. he was the first person ive met who has experienced the world like i do, id never felt so connected with someone in my life. And i understand most people incredibly well, i can read most people like a book, but even with my friends i would doubt my judgments about how they felt or just not understand at all at times. but with him i always knew, i could guess what he would say, know how he would feel about things, know the instant something was off. During our last conversation he talked about why he was the way he was, and what made him act the way he did. He said that he was always either entirely too focused on himself or everybody else, too selfish vs. too selfless. And during our 'situationship' (and to our friendship) he was selfish, not entirely, he would do things for me without asking. But mentally he was incredibly selfish, and it really started to show near the end because that was when i needed him the most. I think this past year has been one of the hardest, most confusing, most hurtful years of my life, and when i finally found someone i wanted to communicate with (to have a part of me) they suddenly make that the hardest thing to do. I wanted so badly to come to him, to feel safe with him, to be loved, but he didnt know me. he didnt know me like i knew him, even though i wanted him to, i was so willing. And i dont think he ever even realized that until the very end, and i think he still doesnt understand how much i trusted him with myself. I know he misses me now, ive seen the messages he leaves on the boards, you dont know what you have until its gone i guess. And i know, i know i shouldnt talk to him, and i wont start the conversation at least, but if he messaged me i would answer. I told him not to, unless it was important, but i wish he would. i want to know how hes doing, if he has more to say to me, if i could say what i want to him. I got my closure so ill be okay if he doesnt, but i think ill wonder about him for a long time. when i see his name or someone who looks like him i can feel this awful ache in my chest, and i cant tell what it is (sadness, longing, hate, whatever else).

besides all that unpacking, things have been bleak, but im trying to look up. everything has been really rough but im still here. onto to better days i hope. its really late so im gonna sleep, heres to hoping i can get an 2 entry every week (at minimum) schedual going again. I really like writing but im often too tired to do so.