spookss | vacation

I got back from florida yesterday, I think that was one of the best vacations ive ever had. Usually when i go on vacation my family they end up arguing amongst themselves and im stuck having to ignore them while they bicker. But this trip had very minimal arguments and i also wasnt alone! I got to go with my friend j and had a much better time than i wouldve without him. Im really happy that j was the person who went with me rather than anyone else, we connect in a really specific way i dont feel with my other friends and im the only person j can stand to be around for more than a day without getting drained. We had a lot of fun and i got to spend so much time on the beach, which was really all i wanted to do this vacay. we also rented a pontoon boat and while we were out we say a baby hammerhead shark which was fucking awesome!!

Even though i had fun i only really felt present for like 60% of the trip. im still struggling with being in the moment and not feeling lost in my own mind. the dissociation is eating me up lol. But i know i definitely feel a lot better now than i did before the trip so im hoping its only up from here. I really want to start drawing again because that was the main way i expressed myself for a long time and ive realized that ever since i stopped drawing i havent really had a way to release some shit in me that i need to. after i finish this entry im gonna try to find some references to put together so i can start conceptualizing what kind of style id like.

One thing i find really difficult when it comes to hobbies for me is that i dont like sticking to one specific thing for too long. Like developing your art style, theres so many different styles that i love at different times so its hard to find just one to stick to. you dont necessarily HAVE to stick to one style but to really master it and get to a point where id be satisfied with what im doing i would need to practice for some time and that just sort of demotivates me. I also have this problem with fashion, i really like a lot of different styles, but i feel like it would be a waste to have just one outfit for each specific style. Plus clothes are expensive and im not very good at styling anyway. The only real medium i can comfortably express my diversity in is music, it doesnt ask anything of me (money, effort, etc.) and is incredibly diverse so i feel like i get to express all of me through what i listen to.

Back to reality though, i havent worked in over 3 weeks because of my wreck and then my vacation and im going back on friday. im a little worried just because i havent been there in so long but im sure it wont be too bad. I still need to get a new car, i got like 20k from insurance to spend on one, plus extra from grandparents if needed. Im thinking about getting a van, a van that i could maybe get customized in the future? I think customized vans are so badass and so fun. Id love to be able to just live in my car and travel. hopefully we go car shopping soon, im kind of excited for it!